Forts, Fighting and WTF?

I am going to start off by saying - I don't feel well. I have been fighting something for the last few days, which seems to be coming and going. Today I woke up with a stuffy head, some aches and a cough. Feel sorry for me? Good, because someone has to.

My darling husband is out of the house all day so I have been left without care and am responsible for the well-being of a tiny human with a big personality. God love her.

All I want to do is drink tea and read my book. That is it. Leave me to die from a virus that is trying to overtake my nearly 39-year old body. I will not put up a fight. But alas, I must try to entertain this child who constantly wants something from me. Can I do this? Will my ailing body give me the strength? Yes, as I have recently been empowered by a post I read from Scary Mommy. I was ready to set boundaries and take moments of selfishness for myself, especially in this time of need, as I withered away from illness.

I told AJ that I was going to decide what she could do for herself and what I would still do for her. Need a glass of water? By all means, help yourself. Want to cut an apple in half to see if the core is in fact the shape of a star? Let me help you with that. Life was about to get easier.

"Mom. I want to build a fort. No, a palace! Then I promise to let you rest."

With light at the end of this sickly tunnel I got up and began constructing the most magnificent palace for my princess. Nine chairs, one table, eight blankets, three sheets and 20 minutes later - I had done it. It was perfect. She was happy and I was ready to bask in the silence.

I sunk into the couch, opened my book and ...

"Mom, can you help me bring all my toys down here?"
"Um, not sure you want ALL your toys, but go ahead and bring a few down."
"Can you come help me?"

I have to mention that by this time I was SWEATING! You know when you're sick and your body gets hot and you sweat from simply getting on your knees to pray that you are soon saved from this plague? That was me.

"You know what sweetie? Mommy doesn't feel too good, so I would really appreciate it if you did this on your own." (remember the boundaries I wanted to set?)
"No, I need you to help me. I'm just a kid!"
"Yes and I am and old mother who doesn't feel great. So sorry, not going to happen."

My child and I are very much alike and at this point we had both made up our minds, and had no plans to change them. The result? We fought about it. I tried to explain that if she had simply done it herself, she would be done by now. She tried to explain that I would get no more hugs EVER if I didn't help her. Both arguments pretty valid, yet not strong enough to make someone break.

The fighting continued. Tears were shed, pleading was done and even a few giggles were heard (I won't tell you which came from me). My tea got cold and her fort began to sag in the middle. We were at an impasse.

Light bulb! I had an idea. I suggested she grab her toy bag, which is normally stuffed with Barbies, and use it to transport her desired toys downstairs.

A few minutes later she arrived dragging her bag of toys like a little child Santa Claus. Finally this ordeal was over and I could get back to my book.

But before that could happen, AJ decided she was hungry and needed a rest, which was fair seeing as she worked so hard to build the fort. *Insert eye-roll here* I took a deep breath and warmed her up some pasta. She turned on a movie and happily ate while I, once again, sunk into the couch to unwind.

Then it happened. The worst thing that could of happened at that moment ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

AJ decided she didn't want the fort anymore. As the sheets and blankets crumbled down around me, so did my hopes and dreams of ever being sane again.

At least I know what I want for my birthday next week - a white jacket and rubber for my bedroom walls.

Pizza Pinwheels are Wheelie Messy

You know those recipe videos that make cooking and baking look so darn easy? I hate them. Yet I love them. The music makes you feel happy and can often borderline on a porn movie soundtrack. But in the end - you can't help but think - I can do that!

I make a really delicious BBQ Chicken & Bacon Pizza. It's one of my fail-safe dinners. So when I saw a video for BBQ Chicken Pinwheels, I just knew I had to give them a try! How can it go wrong?

Here is what they are supposed to look like:

And here's mine: 

Big picture - they tasted a lot better than they looked. Thank goodness, because by the time they were ready, the vultures were circling and waiting to devour them. And once again, after D passed on a second helping, we went to the pantry for a snack. Maybe now he will get the hint that I DON"T COOK!

Noodle Bowl Nuisance

This is one of my cooking success stories. 

I think. 

D said it was good, but he also wandered into the pantry for a snack after turning down a second helping. In his defence he's not a huge fan of coconut and I overused the coconut milk. I tend to do that.  

Surprised I grabbed the coconut milk after my ordeal with the Coconut Macaroons from hell? Me too. Pretty sure I had sworn off (and sworn at) the stuff. I guess I'm just full of surprises! 

This is the original sauce I bought.  

Holy MOTHER it was HOT! My mouth was on FIRE! It's a good thing I tasted it. 

To save my family, I made something more tame. 

• Honey hoisin sauce
• More honey!
• Soya sauce
• Coconut milk 

Delicious! Like for real, it was good! 

I also cooked the chicken in a bit of the coconut milk. I felt like I was on Chopped mixing all this stuff together!

And think I won. 

**Update - my tummy hurts **

Macaroons From Hell

Why Pinterest, why? Why do you get my hopes up??

Look, I know it's not their fault, but I do feel like calling the blogger who posted this specific recipe and ... sigh. As if I would actually do anything.

When AJ came home from school with a notice about a Bake Sale fundraiser I instantly began searching Pinterest for nut-free recipes. I want to be THAT Mom. I want to show up to her school with a tray of homemade baked goods, wind blowing through my hair, no bag under my eyes and have everyone GASP at my creation. This is why I chose to make - Creamsicle Macaroons.

Eight ingredients? No problem!

BIG PROBLEM!

First of all, where the hell do you buy full-fat coconut milk? There are a hand full of brands, but NONE of them say full-fat. I shook the cans and went with the one that made less of a squishy noise. I should also add that by this point, I had done a trial run on the macaroons and used regular straight up coconut milk. The result was more of a coconut soup than a sweet baked treat. But did that clue me into the fact that something was wrong? Nope. I ladled them onto a foil covered baking sheet and crossed my fingers. This was the out come. And I don't think Hercules could even pry them off.

I assumed the issue was the coconut milk, so began my hunt for the full-fat version. I am not yet convinced it actually exists.

As mentioned above I found coconut milk that seemed more solid than the rest, so I went with that. I also (finally!) invested in parchment paper, after several wax paper and foil incidents, it was about time.

Batch #2 looked perfect. I solved the soupy issue by ditching the liquid from the coconut milk and made use of the solid parts. The batter was firm, but I feel like the macaroons gave up on life while on their oven vacation. They over tanned themselves and simply let go. Fell to pieces.

 

I had enough ingredients to attempt batch #3 and was determined to make these damn macaroons! So I started again making one small change. I formed the macaroons into little balls - snowballs, if you will. In my mind they would stick together and become sweet drops of heaven. 

Wrong. So very very VERY wrong! 

All you had to do was breathe on them and they fell apart. What is it with coconut and giving up on life? Like hold yourselves together!

In the end I showed up empty handed. I was disappointed but it made me realize something - I don't need to be THAT mom. I need to be THIS mom. The mom who tried and tried and tried again. I think AJ will learn more from that than if I had been the perfect baker with perfect macaroons.

Who likes them anyway? Me. I do! But right now, if I never see another one, it will be too soon.

Honey Garlic Chicken Fail

Have you seen those Nailed It funnies going around? D and I have a good laugh over them.

There is a new one that just came out today .......

 Sadly ...... it's mine. And it's real.